Guide to Effective Discipline

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If you are having difficulty disciplining your child, it is important to remember that you may not be doing anything wrong. All children are different and have different temperaments and developmental levels and a style of discipline that may work with other children may not work with yours.

You should understand that how you behave when disciplining your child will help to determine how your child is going to behave or misbehave in the future. If you give in after your child repeatedly argues, becomes violent or has a temper tantrum, then he will learn to repeat this behavior because he knows you may eventually give in (even if it is only once in a while that you do give in). If you are firm and consistent then he will learn that it doesn't pay to fight doing what he is eventually going to have to do anyway. Some children, however, will feel like they won if they put off doing something that they didn't want to do for even a few minutes.

An authoritative style of parenting is more likely to be successful in the long run. Parents who are authoritative set rules and limits, but explain why they are necessary and take their children's point of view into account when making the rules. They communicate regularly with their children and encourage them to be independent.

Another way of thinking about the different parenting styles is that authoritarian parents are overly controlling, permissive parents have little control over their children and authoritative parents have just the right amount of control.

• Reinforce good behavior by offering praise when he does well and learn to pay positive attention to your child. Children seek approval for the things that they do, especially from their parents. Let your child know if he is following the rules or has done something, or made an effort to do something that you wanted. Give him a hug, kiss or smile if he has been sitting quietly, completes a chore without problems, or is playing cooperatively. Also give verbal signs of approval, such as ‘Great Job,' or ‘I like it when you…' Be sure to comment on specific behaviors or actions.
• Give him choices. This allows your child some feeling of independence. For example, offer a choice between setting the table or taking out the trash.
• Make good behavior fun. Your child is more likely to comply if he is enjoying himself. For example, say ‘let's see who can pick up the most toys.'
• Establish a reward system to promote good behavior.

• Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. This applies to all caregivers. Your child should learn to understand that there are predictable consequences for his actions.
• Think ahead. Be prepared for what you are going to do and say to help your child understand the consequences of his actions. Don't just wing it, or do or say the first thing that pops into your head. You are more likely to react negatively if you haven't thought out your plan for discipline beforehand.
• Set up a daily routine for your younger children and try and stick to it each day. This should include mealtimes, snacks, bath and bedtime.
• Provide a safe environment that encourages exploration, but protects your child. For example, you can prevent your toddler from getting in trouble for opening drawers and cabinets if you have safety locks preventing them from opening.
• Set limits that are appropriate for your child's age and developmental level. Remember that you are in charge and that you will have to say ‘no' to your child sometimes. You should expect your child to cry when he does not get his way. This is a normal way of dealing with frustration in younger children and should be ignored. You should also ignore temper tantrums.
• Do not offer choices in situations where you child has to cooperate with your rules. For example, instead of saying ‘do you want to take a bath?' you should instead say ‘it is time for your bath.'
• Don't give in to your child when he is whining, crying or having a temper tantrum. If you do, it will only teach him that this kind of behavior is an appropriate way to get what he wants.
• Learn to ignore minor, harmless or unimportant misbehaviors, such as fidgeting.
• Make punishments and rewards immediate. Avoid waiting more than a few minutes to provide the consequences of a behavior.
• Avoid repeating commands. You should give a command and if not followed, then you can repeat it once with a warning of what the consequences for noncompliance will be. If not followed, then apply the consequences. Do not continue to repeat the command.
• Don't argue with your child about the punishment. Ignore any protests. You can talk about it later.
• Plan ahead. If you always have difficulty in certain situations, such as shopping or having visitors, go over a plan of action beforehand, which includes what your expectations are and what the consequences of misbehavior will be.
• Be flexible, especially with older children and adolescents. Listen and get your child's input on some rules and punishment.
• Use ‘I' messages, instead of ‘you' messages. For example, say ‘I am upset that you didn't clean up your room,' instead of ‘You made me upset for not cleaning up.' ‘You' statements can seem more accusatory and can lead to arguing.
• After disciplining your child, briefly explain the rule and what your expectations are when he misbehaves and explain what the proper behavior would have been.
  

• Use distraction to get your child's attention away from inappropriate behaviors.
• Stop inappropriate behaviors with a firm ‘no' while looking your child in the eyes.
• Physically move your child when he is misbehaving, especially if he didn't respond to your firm ‘no.'
• Use extinction to remove attention from undesirable actions. As long as your child can't hurt himself, you can walk away and not give him attention or an audience for acting inappropriately, especially if he is having a temper tantrum. Giving too much attention to your child when he misbehaves can reinforce bad behaviors.
• Use natural consequences (rewards) to let your child learn the results or consequences of his actions. For example, if he throws a toy out the window, then he can't play with it anymore.
• Use logical consequences (rewards), for example, if he doesn't put away his bike, then you will do it, but he won't be able to ride it for the rest of the day. For older children, not filling the car with gas can have the consequence of not getting to use the car this week, etc.
• Use time-out to remove positive reinforcement or attention when he misbehaves.
• Withholding privileges is a very effective discipline technique, especially for older children. Find things that he likes or especially enjoys (playing video games, renting movies, going to the mall, talking on the phone), and then take it away as a consequence for misbehaving.

When you want your child to follow a command, ask him in a firm, but pleasant voice. Allow your child about five seconds to do what you have asked, and if he does not, then make direct eye contact with him and say "If you do not do what I asked, then you are going to sit in time-out" (and point to his time out chair). After this warning, if he still does not do what you have asked, then take him by the wrist or arm and say "You have not done what I asked, so you have to go to your time out chair." Give these commands in a louder and firmer voice to get your child's attention, but do not yell or get angry. Now take him to his time out chair, ignoring any protests or promises he may make, and say "You stay in your time out chair until I tell you to get up." He must now stay in time out until he has been quiet for the punishment time you have set for him (usually one minute per year of age). Remember that time out does not begin until your child has been quiet, even if takes several minutes or an hour. After he completes his time out, then he is to agree to do what you had told him to do or if he had been misbehaving, agree to not to it again, otherwise he is to go into time out again.

If your child leaves the time out chair, put him back in the chair and warn him "If you get out of the chair again, I am going to punish you (by removing some desired activity/possession)". If he gets up again, just put him back in the chair without warning him again and apply the punishment. If he continues to get out of the chair, you can send him to his room for the time out period (remove all toys, TV, video games, etc…).

You should probably only pick one or two forms of misbehavior that you will punish with time out when you first start to use this method.

Time out can also be used outside of the home, such as in stores, restaurants, etc. If your child often misbehaves in a certain setting, such as the grocery store, you should stop before entering the store and go over the rules that you expect your child to follow. Also, give a warning about what will happen if he misbehaves inside the store. If he does break one of the rules inside the store, you should now place him in time out.

• Be consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. This applies to all caregivers. It is normal for children to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent in what these limits are, then you will be encouraging more misbehavior.
• Stay calm and do not get carried away when your child misbehaves. Avoid yelling and screaming, since this can teach your child that it is all right to lose control if you don't get your way. If you feel like things are escalating too much, then take a break until you can regain your composure.
• Avoid too much criticism. Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him.
• Avoid too much praise. You don't need to be continuously praising your child, especially for routine activities, because it will make your comments less effective.
• Don't focus on negatives all of the time, especially when offering positive reinforcement. It is much better to say ‘I like that you put all of your clothes away,' instead of saying ‘I like that, for once, you finally got around to putting your clothes away without my asking.'
• Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment and will make your child more aggressive and angry.
• Remember to give rewards and praise for good behavior.
• Understand the difference between rewards and bribes. A reward is something your child receives after he has done something, while a bribe is given beforehand, to try and motivate your child to do what you want. Bribes should be avoided.
• Be a good role model.
• Most importantly, provide your child with a safe environment in which he feels secure and loved.

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