A concerned father wrote to me because his ex-wife will only let him see his son once every other week and on some holidays. He's upset because he wants to see his son more. A complicating issue is that his son is autistic, accentuating the father's desire to be more involved with the child's life. With a hearing before a judge coming up, he wanted to know how to plead his case for more time with his son.

While I am not a legal expert – and anyone looking for advice about custody or visitation should consider seeking legal counsel – there are some basic points this father, and any upstanding dad not living with a child's mother, should consider in order to make a convincing argument for more parent-child time.

Emphasize the Benefits of an Involved Father

Studies are piling up that show children greatly benefit from having an involved father who is consistently there for them. As long as a father has a background of being consistently responsible in his work and relationships, he has one leg to stand on. Add in a clear desire to commit a lot of time to being a father and now there are two legs to work with. The trick is knowing how to walk the judge through the rest of the factors that make you a solid candidate for court-sanctioned time with your child.

Prove a Strong Relationship with Your Child

A father living apart from his child will probably need to show the judge that he has a strong relationship with his him or her. You might be able to do this by explaining what kinds of activities you have done, and currently do, with him. You can offer details about his personality -- his likes and dislikes and, in the case of a child with special needs, the particulars of his condition.

Clarify Your Game Plan

You might also want to spell out how much time you DO want with your child. If you can't fully explain what you want, you will sound ambiguous. Prepare some details on what you will do with that time you have with your son or daughter. What times and days will you see your child? What kinds of accommodations will you make for him or her should your child stay over at your place for a night or more? Explaining this will reveal how much you've thought this through, which might bode well with the judge.

Make it About Your Child, Not His Mother

What is very important, when appearing in front of the judge, is to focus on how much your interests are with the child. You will want to keep your words centered on what you want for your child, not on differences/disagreements you might have with you're his or her mother The judge needs to know about you as a father – not as much about you as a life partner -- so he or she can determine how childcare will be configured.

That being said, you could talk to the mother and tell her that you will do everything in your power to help make the childcare work out. Grant her as many concessions as you can to show that you're not competing with her, but would rather just spend time with your kid. If you can smooth out the rough edges of what must be a difficult situation with your "ex", then she might be more apt to work with you on the childcare.

Stay Committed

The keys for a father who wants more time with his child reside in showing your reliability (perhaps have details on your employment, any community service, relationships with friends and family) and your abiding love for your son. It's vital to realize that, if things don't work out the way you'd like them to with the judge, you might want to ask him when you can have another hearing to revisit this issue and perhaps improve things for you. This may work well for you the next time around because it shows that your desire to spend time with your child is not fleeting; you will not give up, because you love your child. Until that next hearing, stay in your child's life – make the most of the time you ARE granted. Remember, its quality, not quantity, time that tells a child how much you care.  

© 2005 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Gregory Keer is a syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. His Family Man^TM column appears in publications across the country, including L.A. Parent, Boston Parents' Paper, Metro Augusta Parent, and Sydney's Child in Australia. Keer's parenting advice is found at his online fatherhood magazine, www.familymanonline.com.  In addition to writing for Parenting magazine and the Parents' Choice Foundation, Keer contributes to USA Today, Pregnancy magazine, DrLaura.com, ParentingBookmark.com, Pregnancy.org, and CanadianParents.com. Keer is also a featured guest expert on television and radio and advisor to the Cartoon Network. He and his wife are the proud parents of three sons.

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