| At some point your child will be faced with a loss or death and they will need help understanding what happened, why it happened and their feelings about it. How much they understand, how it affects them, and how you talk about it depends greatly on their age and level of emotional development. While a school age child (usually after age 7-9) may understand that death is permanent, a younger child may not understand that death is not reversible. Also, younger, preschool age children are egocentric and have 'magical thinking,' and may believe that they caused the death because they were mad or had bad thoughts about the person who died.
For all children, after a loss, it is important to be honest and direct and provide age appropriate explanations of what happened. Avoid using euphemisms when explaining death, such as the person went on a 'journey' or is 'going to be asleep forever.' Younger children may take these explanations literally and be afraid to go on a trip or journey or go to sleep themselves because they will associate those things with dying.
Also avoid saying things like 'grandpa went to the hospital,' 'got sick,' or 'had an accident' and then 'died'. The next time someone else or the child himself gets sick or has to go to the hospital, he may believe that he will die, since he may associate these events with someone else's death. It is better to say that it was a 'severe accident' or that the person was 'very sick and regular medicines wouldn't work,' so that your child understands that people don't normally die after all accidents, or after getting sick, or going to the hospital.
While it is important to answer questions directly and honestly, you do not need to include details that may frighten your child. School age children can usually understand biological functioning, and so you can say things like 'he was so sick that his body stopped working,' or 'his heart stopped working,' or 'he had a severe case of pneumonia that caused his lungs to stop working.' Even younger children should be told that the deceased person's body doesn't work anymore because they might not understand this on their own, and they may worry that he can't breath after being buried or that he will be cold, etc.
Some difficult questions that may come up and which you should be prepared to answer include: 'will I die?' or 'will mommy or daddy die?.' Again, it is important to be direct and honest. You can tell him that people normally don't die until they are very old and reassure him that while everyone does die, you will all live a long time. It becomes more difficult if the person that died was young, such as a sibling or friend.
When explaining death, take your cues from your child as to what he wants to or is ready to hear. If you aren't sure, then give a simple explanation and ask him if he has any questions. Or ask him a follow up question later to see if he is ready to hear more.
A ritual, such as a funeral or memorial service can be helpful when a loved one dies. Most children, even preschool age children, can handle going to a funeral (although they should never be forced to go). If it seems too overwhelming for your child, or if he doesn't want to go, then you can create your own ritual or memorial service later. If you do intend to take your child to the funeral, be sure to prepare him in advance for what is going to happen and be ready to answer any questions that he may have during the service.
Other things that you can do to help your child after the death of a loved one include reminiscing about the person by telling stories, or looking at his pictures or videos. Discussing your religious beliefs can also be helpful. Most importantly, let your child know that it is okay to have the feelings that he is having, whether it is sadness, guilt about times that he was bad to the person who died, fear of dying or losing other family members, anger, or denial. Do not minimize these feelings or tell him that they will do away, instead let him know that these feelings are normal, and encourage him talk about it more.
For many children, their first experience with loss and bereavement involves a pet that has died. It is important to not minimize the loss because it is a pet. Your child may have been very attached to the pet and may take the loss very hard. Talk with your child about the loss and see how it is affecting him. While it is important to not minimize the loss, it is also important to not overreact. You should also be honest about the pets death. It may be easier to say that the pet ran away, but you will lose out on an opportunity to teach your child about an important topic and you run the risk of losing your child's trust if he ever finds out the truth. And don't be in a rush to replace the pet with a new one. Give your child some time to mourn first.
Although many adults are uncomfortable talking about death, you should look for opportunities when you can bring up the subject with your child, such as the death of someone in the neighborhood or on the news, or someone else that your child isn't closely attached to. If you have already talked about the subject of loss and death, it may make it less stressful (or at least won't add to the stress) if someone close to him dies, so you won't find yourself dealing with the loss yourself and wondering how you will talk to your child about it.
It is important to remember that while dealing with death is a long process and that children usually go through the same stages as adults, it is not always a continual process. For example, a child may be sad and grieving and then later in the day, he may be happy and playing. Also, children may act out and develop discipline problems, withdraw, or regress in their behaviors after the death of a loved one. At times like these, it best to be empathetic and let him know that you feel sad too and sometimes it makes you get angry or lose your patience. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and whats bothering him.
If your child is having an especially hard time with a loss or if it is leading to problems in his functioning at school or at home, then you may want to seek help from your Pediatrician or a child psychologist.
Death and Loss Internet Resources:
- Talking to Children About Death: A comprehensive article about talking to your children about death and dying, including age appropriate information about talking to children of different developmental levels. Includes information about whether children should visit the dying or attend funerals, the needs of the grieving child, and recognizing if your child is having problems grieving.
- Helping Children Cope with Death: Information about helping children deal with death, including things not to do when you talk with your child about the death of a family member or friend.
- Learning to Live Through Loss: Helping children understand death, with info on how children perceive death at different ages, how to tell a child someone has died, common signs of mourning, and helping a child attend a funeral.
- When a Pet Dies: How to help your child deal with the death of a pet.
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