Believe it or not, every child - even the brattiest among them - does something good everyday. Admittedly, it may be difficult to see in some children; but as loving, conscientious parents we must look until we find it.
Catch your child doing good. It is such a simple concept, and yet, in our attempt to be “good” parents, we are likely focused on catching the negative. Dr. Jeffrey Kelly in Solving Your Child’s Behavior Problem says, “The best way to motivate a child to good behavior is to develop a plan to reinforce or reward the good actions we want to see.” Praise and attention are powerful motivators. Children learn that they will get noticed and praised when they behave well which, in turn, strengthens their good behavior patterns.
Be specific in praising your children. Don’t just say, “You were good today.” Find specific incidences that define good behavior for your children. “You played nicely with your sister and took turns” and “Thank you for remembering to pick up your toys” describe the behavior you want and expect from your children. Defining good behavior helps them understand the goal.
Offer occasional rewards. There is a difference between reward and bribery. Reward is offered when you catch him doing something good, after the good deed is completed. “You didn’t run up and down the aisles in the store today; I think I’ll buy you some candy.” Bribery occurs before the fact: “If you’re good in the store today I’ll buy you some candy.” Can you see the difference? Reward helps the child be self-motivated to do well. Bribery teaches him to be object-motivated to do well. And remember, object-motivated children won’t perform the behavior without the promise of a treat. Children whose parents use reward-based systems tend to be more secure, more confident, more responsible, and more creative.
Utilize self-fulfilling prophesy. Dr. James Dobson addresses this concept in his book, Hide or Seek. In essence, children become what you tell them they are. If you tell her she’s kind, she’ll more than likely try to be kind. If you tell her she’s a good girl, then she’ll probably try to be a good girl. And, if you tell her she’s a brat, she will prove you right. Children take adults’ words to heart. They take our words and see themselves in that light. They will fulfill whatever role we give them. It’s been said that a child’s mind is like a bank - whatever you put in, you get back. We need to deposit appropriate, but true words into her bank. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should tell her how good she is when she IS being a brat. But seek out the good things she does and then let her hear you say them. All too often our words create emotional bankruptcy. Let’s take every opportunity to deposit words of gold.
They’ll get your attention one way or another. It’s hard to understand, but to some children, negative attention and even punishment are better than no attention at all. You know that saying, “The squeaky wheel gets the grease”? If children don’t get what they want, your attention, by being good, they will get your attention by being bad. So the key is, don’t make them fight for your attention. Catch them doing something good every day.
Gentle words and soft touches along with other gestures of love help children develop a sense of self respect and self control. So catch your child sharing his toys or helping his friend. Throughout the day, notice and praise him when his behavior is good; and maybe there won’t be as many bad behaviors to correct. Praise him, too, for things other than just his behavior. Admire his handiwork; compliment his smile. Above all else, fill his day with lots of hugs, lots of kisses, and lots of laughter.
