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How to Say It to Your Kids:
The right words to solve problems, soothe feelings & teach values.
by Dr. Paul Coleman |
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A common issue for parents, whether they are trying to answer a question, teach values, or help their child understand difficult feelings, is knowing how to communicate effectively. This can involve talking about new problems the family is facing, such as a divorce or move to a new city, or problems that your child is dealing with, such as being teased at school. An important part of parenting is knowing how to talk with your children, so that you can support and reassure them as they deal with new situations.
While there are many parenting books that try and teach communication skills, they usually provide simple directions, such as to be open and honest, provide encouragement, be available, etc. Or they may say that you should be empathetic as you talk with your children, but don't really provide any examples of what being empathetic really means, leaving many parents to believe that they are doing the right thing when they really aren't.
In addition to teaching some simple skills to make communicating with your children easier, included in the mnemonic TENDER - Teach, Emphasize, Negotiate, Do's & Don'ts, Encourage, and Report, 'How to Say It to your Kids' stands far above other books in giving concrete examples of 'How to Say It' and 'How Not to Say It.' There is also a 'Things to Consider' section for most topics that includes special factors that you should think about when dealing with each situation. The topics included cover such every day issues that most parents face, like doing chores, eating vegetables, lying, sharing and swearing, and more difficult situations, such as talking about a divorce, moving, being rejected by classmates, and sexuality and reproduction.
For example, in the discussion about talking to your adopted child, it says to 'Report the basic facts,' and then gives a description on what to actually say, including that 'A woman gave birth to you. But she was unable to take care of you, and ... we were the lucky family you came to live with.' It also describes what not to say, including that 'Your birth mother was a drug addict,' or using statements like 'your natural parents' or ' your real parents.'
Another example is the books discussion on how to teach your child about sharing, in which it says to 'Empathize' with your child and gives an example of how to do that by saying 'It isn't always fun to share. I know it can make you feel upset. But sometimes it makes you feel good.' This is a better method that trying to shame your child into sharing by saying 'It's not nice to be selfish,' or trying to force him to share.
Parenting is hard work, but How to Say It to Your Kids is an excellant resource that every parent should have and read to help them raise happy and healthy kids and to teach their children to master the challenges they will face every day.
Rating: 5 stars
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