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Many people find twins and higher order multiples, such as triplets or quadruplets, etc, very interesting.
I think that is why parents of twins get so many questions and comments when they are out in public.
Are they identical?
How do you tell them apart?
Although many parents of twins like showing off their kids, what often makes these types of questions annoying, stupid, or rude, is that they either come at inappropriate times, the parent has heard them 1001 times already, or maybe they are a little too personal.
Remember, parenting multiples can be a handful, so if looks like a parent with twins has her hands full, don't ask any annoying questions about whether they are natural or the mom took fertility drugs.
And I'll let you in on some inside information about some of the more common questions, answers, and comments that people ask about twins so that you seem a little more 'in the know' the next time you are around a parent of multiples. This can also help parents of multiples learn how to respond to people who come up to them and show and interest in their twins.
Are They Twins?
Two of the more common questions that parents of twins get is 'Are They Twins?' and 'Are They Identical?'
The reason this annoys many parents of twins is that often their twins are dressed alike and are obviously twins or obviously identical. Instead of getting annoyed, understand that these people probably already know that they are twins and this is just the 'ice-breaker' that they use to get started talking to you about your twins. If it really bothers you, you might say something like:
- Twins, what twins. (and then look around)
- Oh, they aren't mine.
- I don't know, what do you think? Do you really think that they could be twins? (and then look at the twins closely and act really surprised)
- No, they're clones.
- Yep, and they're all mine.
Better 'ice-breakers' or lines might be:
- Your twins are beautiful.
- I hope I have twins.
- My brothers (uncles, cousins, best friends, etc) are twins.
Why Do You (Don't You) Dress Them Alike?
This is a question to stay away from and one that you should never ask a parent of twins. I'm afraid to even ask my wife how long she is going to dress the boys the same. There is no easier way to annoy a parent of twins than to ask about the way they are dressed, so just don't do it!
Do They Have The Same Personality?
This is most annoying if the twins are fraternal, since they are just as likely to have different personalities as any other set of siblings.
The question is a little more interesting for identical twins though, especially when they are younger. Consider that the big things that influence personality are nature (your genes, which are pretty much identical when you have identical twins), and nurture, which is the environment that your child grows up in, which should also be pretty much the same in your child's first few years.
So it is a little interesting to see identical twin toddlers who look exactly alike, but who have very different personalities. One of my boys, for instance, is a little daredevil and will try anything, even doing cannonballs into the pool. The other is a lot more cautious.
It is also kind of funny to notice that when there are personality differences, like when one twin is a little more aggressive or outgoing than the other twin, it sometimes only lasts a few weeks and then they switch personalities. This can be a little confusing to friends and family who rely on the twin's personality to help tell the twins apart!
How Do You Tell Them Apart?
Identical twins can be hard to tell apart, so this isn't really a stupid question. There are usually ways, although they are sometimes subtle. A mole here, a scar there. It is sometimes a personal question though, and the 'secret' to telling identical twins apart may be something that you have to discover yourself by spending a lot of time with them and not something that a parent simply wants to let you in on.
It is a stupid question if the twins are obviously fraternal though!
Do Twins Run In The Family?
I'm not sure why, but this question actually annoys many parents of twins. Maybe because they think it is too complicated to answer, but you can give a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer, even if you don't want to get into the whole genetics of having twins.
Before asking, remember that identical twins aren't genetic, so if you already annoyed someone by asking if their twins were identical, don't bother asking if twins run in the family. And many people who have twins are aided by fertility drugs, and so also aren't really influenced by genetics.
Interesting Twin Observations
One of the most interesting things that I have noticed about my own identical twins - if I take a digital picture of one of the boys (they are 2 1/2), immediately show him the picture and ask him who it is, he will say that it is his brother!
Other twin observations:
- When one cries, the other one doesn't usually wake up. This isn't a twin thing though. Most younger children are very heavy sleepers and loud noises don't wake them up.
- When one cries and they are both awake and they aren't fighting with each other, the other one often gets him his blanket or at least plays quietly by himself so that we don't have to deal with both of them at the same time. This is in contrast to the 'twin escalation syndrome' that other people describe, in which one twin always starts crying when the other one is crying.
- They don't seem to have ESP or any special powers... yet.
Other Stupid and Annoying Questions
Although some questions are only annoying depending on who you are asking, there are some that make everyone's list of stupid questions, including:
- Do you have a favorite?
- Which one is smarter?
- Which one is the evil twin?
- Is it twice as hard? (It's not exactly, since some things you do at the same time, but this is not something that you try to point out to parents of multiples.)
- Did you take fertility drugs? (this is just too personal a question to be asking someone you don't know well)
- Did you have a c-section? (although many twins are born by c-section, again, this question is too personal for casual conversations)
Remember, many parents of multiples like showing off their kids and appreciate the interest that you show, but make sure it is an appropriate time before starting a conversation or asking questions.
A simple smile and 'they are so cute' can be a good 'ice breaker,' especially if the parent stops and continues the conversation. If you get a quick 'thanks' and they keep walking by, then you may need to start staking out twin club meetings to get your fix.
Dr. Iannelli is the proud father of identical twin boys and a somewhat helpful stepson who is still wondering why we had to bring home two babies at the same time.
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